Support
Support is vital to those of us cycling through the emotions and other symptoms associated with grief. Only you can experience your own grief, but others who are patient and understanding, and share in your mourning rituals make getting through the grief more tolerable. If support is not readily offered and available from our community (the often reported “everyone is gone after the funeral”), the burden of finding and establishing support becomes ours. At this most difficult time in our life, we must determine what will be supportive, where to find it, who we feel comfortable receiving it from, and how to enact it.
In acknowledging our need for support, and in seeking it out, we will be confronting a powerful social value that says we are weak and that something is wrong with us if we need the help of others to get through our grief. If we overcome our internalization of this social value and the stigma attached to our need for support, we may find we are ambivalent about or do not know what we would actually find supportive.
Many of us just want others to know what we need and respond accordingly. We may become angry when others cannot see our pain, dismiss or ignore it, or respond differently than we wish them too. Support can be many things in addition to someone who understands and is a good listener. A prepared meal, childcare, an invitation to take a walk, share in prayer, and many other things may all be supportive depending on you and your circumstances. The difficult part is that ultimately the burden of deciding what is supportive, whom it should come from, and seeking it falls to us, the bereaved.
What is supportive will vary from individual to individual depending on personal preference and need. It will also vary depending on the specific loss and the circumstances during any given period of bereavement. It is helpful to keep in mind basic concepts of mourning and what helps ease the grief.
Who among your family and friends is able to allow for the possibility that you will be affected over a long period of time by the significant loss you have incurred? Where can you find others who understand the impact of your loss, acknowledge the importance of the person who died, validate your grief response, and be with you in the midst of your pain? Who is willing to engage with you in casual reminiscing or rituals of remembering? Do you prefer the privacy of personal prayer or meditation, visiting the gravesite, creating an altar, or writing in a journal? Are you comfortable in a support group or do you prefer one to one interaction with a supportive person? Are there others who can assist you with concrete tasks (health claims, social security, childcare, etc.) that will lighten your load of responsibilities during this emotionally and otherwise demanding time?
Having or finding people and places where you can openly and actively mourn facilitates getting through grief and adjusting to a death. Support can come from family, friends, work associates, clergy, counselors, and other people in bereavement. It might be formal, traditional, and organized, or it may be spontaneous and casual. The common denominator is that it allows for, acknowledges, and validates the loss and your grief. It fosters your progression toward acceptance of the reality of life without the deceased, honors the meaningfulness of this, and assists you in your adjustment to this new reality. Being without support can contribute to feelings of isolation and despair, and prolong your suffering.
The quality and quantity of support you receive and partake in can be an important determinant in your healthy progression through grief. As you progress through your grief, what you need and whom you want or need it from may change. It is important to allow for support. Continue to reevaluate over time what you need and want to help you accept and integrate the death and loss into your life in a healthy way.