Understanding Grief

Deaths that carry some sort of social stigma add complication to grief and the period of bereavement. It is unfortunate that some deaths are considered shameful or in some way unworthy of grief and mourning. Deaths by suicide, drug overdose, AIDS, and smoking are a few that give rise to societal judgments associated with mental illness, weak or flawed character, religious beliefs, sex, living a bad life, and bringing this fate upon oneself.

It is not uncommon for the bereaved to be reluctant to disclose the true cause of death when it will bring judgment and shame to the deceased and family. It may also be feared that the loss will be nullified by others who adhere to the societal stigmas associated with the cause of death. Shame, guilt, ambivalence, confusion, and anxiety can be pronounced depending upon the extent that we believe in these same societal values too.

As with other complications to grief and mourning, anything that keeps us from facing what is true about the death and our loss can become a barrier to the natural healthy cycles of grief. With stigmatized deaths we may not receive the acknowledgment for the importance of our loss, and the validation that fosters the unfolding of our grief and encourages mourning.

What is true, of course, is that the cause of death does not change the fact that someone significant to you has died and is gone from your life. The importance to you of the person who has died is not diminished by the way that he or she died. In fact, the cause of death may increase the severity of the impact of the death, necessitating help above and beyond normal societal supports. Grief therapy and support provided by a knowledgeable professional and bereavement support organization can enhance your understanding of the grief reaction you are having, diminish your suffering and risk of harm, and facilitate your healthy progression through this difficult and painful time of grief.

Traumatic circumstances associated with a death are another significant complicating factor for grief. Though many people may feel that they have experienced trauma in some sense as a result of the death that has occurred, “trauma” as used in this discussion is reserved for particularly extreme and severe circumstances. “Trauma” in this case pertains to the clinical usage of the word as it refers to circumstances, experiences, and symptoms that fit the criteria for diagnosable Traumatic Stress Syndrome.

Deaths that involve tragic and horrific circumstances beyond common daily experience are now well known as being likely to result in post-traumatic stress symptoms that fall outside the norm for grief reactions. Being part of, witness to, or confronted with details about accidents, suicides, murders, catastrophes, and other types of violent deaths can cause survivors to suffer from serious and persistent disruptive symptoms.

Persistently reexperiencing the trauma in some way, persistent efforts to avoid thoughts, feelings, activities, places, and other stimuli associated with the trauma, persistent symptoms of increased physiological arousal, a sense of numbing, detachment, derealization, and distress sufficient enough to cause difficulty with important areas of functioning, and other significant symptoms are all associated with a traumatic experience. Though some of these symptoms may be similar to those experienced within common grief reactions, it is important to remember that post-traumatic symptoms are persistent and severe to a degree beyond common grief reactions. Professional help is strongly advised for traumatic death situations. A professional experienced in treating trauma in addition to grief and bereavement can assist you with your recovery.