Making Time To Mourn
Mourning is essential to the healthy progression of grief. Therefore it follows that making time to mourn is necessary. Mourning is the designated time for intentionally thinking of and remembering the deceased, and expressing and sharing our grief. As such, it is often something that is contrary to our natural inclination to avoid pain.
In making time to think of and remember the deceased, we are making time to beckon forth the pain of our loss. Summoning pain is counter to our natural human tendency to avoid pain if possible, and to remove it or ourselves from it as soon as possible when we experience it. Without the support of a community long steeped in a history of mourning traditions, or individuals who have been through it to be our guides, summoning our pain is a frightening proposition. In the context of a society that repudiates the value of grief and mourning, making time to call up our grief is not only a frightening experience, but a socially risky and suspect one as well.
It is a shame that so many of us come to mourning not just with our pain, but with fear and doubt too. It is all too common that grief stricken individuals view their grief as an indication that there is something wrong with them; perhaps weakness, stupidity, inadequacy, and being a failure. With this mindset, grief becomes a source of embarrassment and shame instead of being understood as a deep expression of our human response to serious loss.
Grief is so natural and essential to our humanness. The pain of separation and loss signifies an eternal truth about our core nature. Mourning acknowledges and validates this truth and the meaningfulness of our connection to others and the pain that is inherent to the severance of these connections. For many of us it is counterintuitive and unexpected that making time to mourn, to experience and express our grief, will bring about the eventual diminishment of the pain and disruption of our loss. In fact, honoring the core truth of our human experience of loss, and the meaningfulness of our connection to others facilitates the healthy progression of grief.
As a result of mourning, grief as the dominant experience in our life eventually comes to a close, though we may continue to experience grief and to mourn our loss at intervals throughout our life. Making time to mourn, five minutes a day, one hour a week, or at some other interval, will foster the natural unfolding of our grief. Whether by traditional ritual, personally created ritual, support group, or therapy, making time to mourn is the vehicle for grief.
Crucial to the activity and process of mourning is the acknowledgment of the unique importance to us of the death and the one who has died. Honoring our grief through the emotional expression of our pain, and commemorative activities that are relevant and meaningful to us, the one who died, our shared relationship, and the loss that has occurred provides this acknowledgment. Guidance and support in this process are helpful.
Isolation and alienation, and the absence of mourning often accentuate and prolong the pain associated with loss.
Making time to mourn is central to the concept and reality of healthy grieving.